


Headshot

by laterie



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: I fucked up even more, M/M, enjoy, i have bowels of angst, the song is calling like that "bowels of love", you want angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 16:21:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17186327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laterie/pseuds/laterie
Summary: “I am married,” Shiro said breathlessly, his voice small, “I ammarried…” he repeated.“I am too.”Shiro forgot how to breathe.





	Headshot

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what to say. it's [THIS SONG's fault](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1prE9gtISuU)

Shiro vibrated beneath Keith’s hand on his shoulder. In the past four years, Shiro always thought that Keith, at some point, will have to come back to Earth and see what’s left of the family they built over the years. Voltron was no more, but the symbol remained craved in their bones. It was just now, after all the years that Keith has returned and slipped into Shiro’s life with such an ease that it made Curtis actually _uneasy._

How much has changed, Shiro didn’t know until Keith put his hand on his shoulder and smiled at him like time was just plasticine in Keith’s hands. Everything Shiro built in the past was shaking under the soft palm covered in black, long-sleeved undershirt Keith wore underneath his red jacket. Nothing in the world could bother Shiro at that time, _absolutely nothing,_ as empty as it sounded, nothing except the silver band on Keith’s ring finger.

Years away, but seventeen minutes with Keith, made the world of the ex-captain of Atlas twitch inside like a baby. Keith’s fingers brushed over Shiro’s shoulder leaving a warm spot on the skin. It was a sign Keith moved away from him. Shiro reached for his arm, looking at the profile of his friend when Lance stepped in the way to catch Keith’s attention.

“I see you, and I can’t believe it’s _you,_ ” Lance laughed, wrapping his arms around Keith’s torso like it always belonged there, “you haven’t changed a bit. What do you use? Do you use the placenta of dead children?”

“ _Fuck sake,_ ” Keith said, annoyed, squeezing the soul out of Lance who panted, not willing to give up, “Lance you little _shit._ ”

Keith smiled. He was smiling with such dirty words on his lips, which made Shiro twitch again, but somewhere else than in his chest.

“You let grew up a foul mouth on yourself,” Lance pulled away, “think you are cooler than me now, huh?”

“You said I hadn’t changed a bit, Lance.”

Lance inhaled deeply pushing the best insult he came up with in years, deep inside his brain, in honor of his friendship with Keith. A minute later he learned he should’ve used the spiteful words because Keith was smirking at him so awful that Lance almost grabbed his jacket wanting to shook him for hours.  

“It’s been four years,” Shiro tried to calm down his friends, “let’s have some drinks.”

“Right.” Keith turned on the heel of his high-knee boots and grabbed Shiro and Lance around their shoulders.

“Man, I am gonna drunk my ass off,” Lance laughed.

“Wish I could do that too.”

Keith looked over at Shiro’s regretful expression. He wanted to ask what happened, but right at that moment Curtis joined the trio and freed his husband from under Keith’s arm.

“You won’t mind if I borrow my husband for a moment, right?” Curtis smiled, looking at Keith who only shrugged.

“It’s not like I haven’t seen him four years,” Keith folded his arms over his chest, “and it’s not like you are with him every day in the past four years.”

Curtis glared at Keith, his eyes flaming in alarm, while Keith stood his ground in a way that Dalailama would be very proud. The calmness showered over Shiro, and he almost wished that he would touch Keith right now to feel the relaxation.

“You chose to leave,” Curtis said sourly.

“And you chose to steal Shiro away from me despite—“

“Holy shit, Keith!” Lance cracked like a nutshell. He watched his friend in the same disbelief as Shiro did.

“I am here not even half of an hour, and you are doing nothing but glaring at me.” Keith fixed him with his eyes. “We don’t even know each other that well so you could go all jealous on me.”

“Where is this coming from?” Lance tugged his friend’s jacked pulling Keith closer to him. “What happened to you?”

“You think I am jealous?” Cutis raised his eyebrows, surprised, “you were Shiro’s best man at the wedding.”

“I wanted to be a witness of Shiro’s happiness,” Keith replied vaguely.

“That’s nice of you,” Curtis sighed, feeling his husband’s discomfort, “let’s start over again, Keith.“

“I’m sorry too.” Keith slightly nodded his head, “we’ll be over the bar, if you want to join us later, Shiro.”

With these words, Shiro was stuck with his eyes only on Keith’s slim waist. Curtis made his move, and he pulled Shiro towards himself, leading him the other way where Pidge and Hunk were talking. They still had no idea Keith appeared at the New Year’s party.

“Shiro, you know very well you can’t drink,” Curtis said gently.

“I didn’t mean to—“ It frustrated Shiro that he couldn’t even roast his own life and feel miserable only because he was on an antidepressant.

“I’m just checking. I know you’re happy Keith’s here, but please, think of yourself too.”

 “I’m _fine,_ ” Shiro sighed again, “I just wanted to start a topic, maybe tell Keith—“

“Takashi.”

Guilty washed over Shiro as soon as his husband looked into his eyes, almost begging him to not go into the deep waters again. Curtis knew Shiro misses his previous life and he would abandon all they have to see Voltron again. Years in the marriage with Shiro taught the man that Shiro is not that patient as he likes to tell. The man got restless, pining the space as if he was waiting for something or _someone_ to appear. Shiro was ready to fight each minute of the day. Curtis wanted to understand the missile piercing through their life as he couldn’t catch Shiro’s attention entirely. The nightmares were just a topping on the cake. Curtis swore he'd never stop, never quit and he’ll make his husband happy, but he didn’t know how to reach that deep into his soul. Many times before, the evil was defeated by Keith who deliberately left Shiro hanging on a thin thread.

“I am your husband,” Curtis left the word roll down very slowly, “you see, I’d never leave you.”

_What?_

“Takashi!” Hunk interrupted them, concerned, “do you know Keith’s here? Man when I saw that cropped jacked I _knew!_ ”

It was all Hunk had to say to make Shiro smile again. _Old, good, Keith_ as Lance stated while they were sitting around the table back at the New Altea. It took Shiro only a few minutes to understand that Keith, the man who saved him from the worst nightmares was back not as Keith, the Black Paladin and the leader of Voltron, nor the leader of Blade of Marmora, but as a simple man. And _that,_ oh boy, left Shiro speechless.

Keith was a _man._

Shiro wished he could fight his way out as he used to, but the marriage was not a fight against chimera or robots. His struggling was not the war he left behind years ago. Curtis tightened his grip around him while the depression deadpanned on Shiro with a heavy sigh. The more Shiro tried to fight his way out of the misery, the tighter Curtis held him.

_That_ and Keith was a _man._

“I understand you want to spend time with your former team,” Curtis bit his tongue, “I’ll be near.”

“Thank you, I—“

“It’s _alright._ ”

**

When Shiro found the bar, Keith was already chatting with three unknown men. All the three of them looked pleasant by Keith’s presence. The admiration in their looks couldn’t miss Shiro’s eyes.

“Buddy,” Hunk threw himself between the three men and Keith, “ _you are here!_ ”

Keith smiled and squeezed Hunk’s shoulder gently. The gesture was enough for Lance to start complaining about how is Hunk, the _shoulder buddy_ while Lance is just that _little shit._ A long monologue of _why don’t you ever hug me like I am a fragile cargo?_ Made Shiro smile. _Fragile cargo_ that was all Shiro was to Keith, anyway. Always too easily broken to handle, but strong enough to touch.

Shiro watched as Keith pulled Pidge into his arms. She was small as always, but when she wrapped her arms around Keith’s chest, he inhaled harshly, laughing.

“Katie.” He kissed her cheek, freeing himself from the deadly grip of the woman.

“Disgrace!” Lance yelled, “why after all the years I am still _the little shit?!_ ”

Shiro laughed. Oh man, how much he missed _Keith,_ them, or - he tried to correct himself, _everyone._

“Have some drinks; it’s on me.” Keith ghost-touched his glass with whiskey and looked at Shiro.

“That’s more like you!” Lance bumped against his side, “I’ll have whiskey like my dude here.”

“Me too!” Pidge nodded at the bartender.

“Everything’s alright, Shiro?” Keith left the glass abandoned on the bar. He reached for Shiro’s shoulder when the man finally snapped out of his thought.

“Still calling me Shiro, as I see.”

“You are Shiro,” Keith gave him a polite look, “to me.”

“It’s just—“

“I don’t care how the others call you. For me, you are Shiro.”

Keith’s eyes grew, even more, more in-depth into the violet, like a nebula of cesium on fire. He looked vivid, enjoyable and fresh. Shiro only imagined he felt the cold of Keith’s silver ring on his shoulder. He couldn’t stop thinking what does it mean, and Keith didn’t seem to start the topic first. Shiro imagined too many things and got distracted so quickly that when Keith called his name, he couldn’t believe how the four years left him empty, desiring for the voice calling his name.

“Do you want a drink?” Keith asked.

“Ginger beer is good.”

“ _Ginger beer_ ,” Keith asked as confirming he didn’t mishear.

“I like the taste.”

“You used to have better taste in many _things._ ” Keith joked with a smirk.

Shiro reached behind and massaged his neck awkwardly. His eyes dropped on the floor when his eyes got caught on the picture of perfect; Keith’s legs displayed right before his eyes like a wall-painting in Louver.

“Can we go outside?” Shiro asked after Keith handed him the bottle of ginger beer.

“Sure,” Keith shrugged.

**

“But you _did_ change,” Shiro siped his beer, looking at the ocean.

The last December night kept them warm in the quiet embrace of the ocean. Keith loved places where only Nature had the nerve to interrupt his thoughts with voices. Shiro stood right next to him, looking at the dark horizon of the Earth. The black skies reminded him of his real home, the universe right above their heads.

“It’s just a point of view.” Keith shrugged.

“ _Hm._ ”

“Not the conversation you imagined?”

Shiro shook his head. _Nevermind,_ he would say if Keith actually cared what he thought about him leaving Earth and the Voltron family.  

“Your arm’s different.” Keith started a new topic, “seems like your extended version has retired?”

Shiro laughed softly and touched his new one-piece prosthetic arm, “It, made me a little bit… uncomfortable.” Shiro shrugged.

“Uncomfortable?”

“Well, I don’t need that arm anymore.” He tried to let it go, convince Keith that the arm was not reminding him of the fight in the cloning facility. He pushed the thoughts back, thinking about the blurred image of Keith cutting off his limb.

“What is _really_ happening?” Keith asked shoving his hands into the pockets of his black jeans, half-turning to Shiro.

“I am fine,” Shiro answered but felt like lying to Keith is leveling up in his misery.

“Always a step ahead of me, huh?” Keith sighed, “I wish the past four years have been kinder to you.”

“They’ve been.”

“Lies.”

Shiro went silent. In the deepest part of his mind, he felt angry, pitiful and miserable. His life hasn’t changed a bit, and after all the years Shiro only desired to become someone else. Morning after morning, when he felt the phantom pain in his shoulder, he wished for Keith to save him again _and again._

“It’s just a point of view.” Shiro shot back.

“Lies are lies when you know they’re lies, and you _know_ goddamn well you are lying.”

Shiro closed his eyes for a moment that lasted longer than he thought. The cold feeling of desperation crept over his spine, to his shoulders, and made him shiver. An invisible force shut his mouth and didn’t allow him to speak his heart out. God, he needed Keith to save him.

_Save me again._

How was Keith always free and Shiro imprisoned in the picture of madness, was a mystery for him.  

“You feel empty.”

Shiro opened his eyes immediately. The pitch dark skies and the dark blue ocean looked like the embodiment of his soul.

“Keith, what is this?” Shiro asked concerned, “you use such words.” He shook his head in amusement.

“I used words that describe you the best.”

“Well,” Shiro cleared his throat, “looks like you don’t like me anymore.” He said teasingly.

“I used to love you, not _like_ you.” Keith corrected him with such ease in his voice that it left Shiro breathless.

Only now Shiro understood the concept of the word _loveless._ Keith entered the picture of him and Curtis – his husband and probably love of his life. Keith stood there, untouched, looking somewhere else and at someone else, but still standing _so_ close to Shiro. After years, when the tables have turned, and Keith was the one who left, Shiro finally freaked out of his skin. Keith was gone, and he was left alone in the most passive word construction. The silver ring around Keith’s finger could be as well a silver bullet shot in Shiro’s heart.

“I see you have someone else to love.” Shiro failed not to sound concerned.  

As soon as he let the words leave his brain, he understood, that jealousy is not only a collection of negative emotions, but it’s also a solid part of his personality.

“Not the conversation I would like to have with you.”

“You said I feel _empty._ ” Shiro frowned. “I don’t _feel emp—“_ The word didn’t find its end.

“I don’t consider negative emotions useful.”

“I am not _empt_ —“

Keith touched his shoulder; his long and slim fingers pressed in Shiro’s skin, violently reaching the muscles and bones.

“I know how it does feel,” Keith fixed his eyes on the horizon, “to be _alone._ ”

Shiro froze.

“It doesn’t matter how many people you have around when you can’t be with the one you need the most.”

“I am married,” Shiro said breathlessly, his voice small, “ _I am married…_ ” he repeated.

“I am too.”

Shiro forgot how to breathe.

**

“You are back!” Lance shouted from the bar, “finally!”

The clock already showed seven minutes before midnight. Curtis was leaning against the wooden bar, eyeing his husband curiously. Shiro ignored the part of his face that looked angry and quietly slipped in the presence of his husband.

“Keith you can’t do this,” Pidge smacked his chest with the rub of her palm, “you showed up yourself after four years and then disappeared with Shiro.”

“How typical,” Lance smirked.

“I have a call to make,” Keith excused himself, “an important want, so don’t wait.”

Lance watched his friend walking backward until he reached the crowd and showed them his back.

“A call to make?” Lance looked at Shiro who was leaning against his husband’s side. “Don’t tell me he’s going to call his mom at this time. He’s an adult.”

“Lance…” Shiro sighed.

“What?”

Shiro shook his head. He couldn’t wear his head proudly like before. The empty feeling Keith has left behind held onto him like a tail. If Shiro felt depressed before, right now he felt like Keith ceased to exist.

“Don’t tell me Keith has someone.” Lance rejected that idea immediately. “That can’t be. He’s _like too much_ for only one person.”

“He’s married.” Shiro choked on his words.

“He’s what?!” Lance shouted in utter astonishment.

“Takashi?” Curtis’ put his hand on Shiro’s hipbone, “Takashi…”

Blood rushed in Shiro’s ears. Curtis’ voice was fading away while Shiro tried not to fell on the floor like a corpse.  

_I am not emp-_

_-ty._

**

Shiro left the apartment early in the morning. He left a short note for Curtis. Since the New Year celebration, Shiro couldn’t stop thinking about Keith, the ring and _an important_ call. They didn’t talk about Keith’s partner when he came back. The curiosity made Lance dizzy. It was fascinating to watch him choking on the words Shiro begged him to leave unspoken.

Three days after the celebration, Shiro continued to push himself through the dark horizon of the beach. Though it was all inside of Shiro’s head, he could swear, he felt the coldness of Keith’s wedding band through his shirt, his skin, right in his heart. The more Shiro thought about Keith, the more his frustration grew into desperation. Four years and he couldn’t recognize Keith. Not even a part of him.

_You haven’t changed a bit_ was not a point of view, or a _lie_ it was Shiro who couldn’t separate past from the presence.

Shiro parked his car near the warning sign of _Be aware of coyotes._ The words were almost unreadable, but Shiro _knew_ as he knew Keith would be there. The rocks scrunched under his heavy boots while he was walking over the dusty road of the Mojave national reserve. It was past noon when Shiro reached the small cabin with a parked car. Shiro wished to see the red hoverbike instead of the old Jeep.

“Shirogane, Takashi,” Keith shut the door behind himself, “the heaven-sent.”

“Hi,” Shiro smiled, walking up the stairs on the porch.

“You found me.”

_Fuck._

“I went blind.” Shiro shrugged, ignoring the mixed feeling in his stomach.

“But you found me _anyway._ ”

_Stop._

“Do you have anything to drink?”

“No, I live out of love,” Keith rolled his eyes and opened the doors.

Shiro smiled, “I hope you have enough to share.”

Keith turned to him in the middle of the living room. Unspoken words felt like grenades Shiro tried to avoid by not moving. The warm scent of sand and mountain breeze suddenly felt suffocating.

“You never called,” Shiro clicked his tongue, “you didn't invite us to your wedding. You didn’t tell me—“

“I don’t want to talk about that, Shiro.”

“How can you even say that?” Shiro shook his head in disbelieve, “I waited for _you._ ”

“Oh, my—“ Keith went straight to the small kitchen. He poured water into a glass but placed it on the counter.

“You could’ve told me.”

“No.”

“Why didn’t you bring your partner here?”

“Stop asking.” Keith moved. He took the glass and went back to Shiro. “It’s none of your business.”

“Are you even married or are you trying to mess with me?” Shiro caught himself in the swirl of anger. He regretted the outburst almost immediately.

“You’ve turned _so_ egotistic!” Keith pushed the glass against Shiro’s chest, spilling the water on his black t-shirt.

Shiro raised his hand, but when he reached the glass, he also touched Keith’s fingers gently. The sorrow in his eyes made Keith turn again and show Shiro his back. When he sat on the small couch, Shiro was still standing on the same spot.

“I don’t understand, Keith,” he said softly.

“It was unexpected.”

Shiro finally moved, legs heavy. He joined Keith on the couch. When their shoulders brushed, Keith leaned on the side, searching for support.

“What is he like?” Shiro asked looking into the glass of water.

“Nice.”

“That’s all?” Shiro chuckled, “you married him. He must be an angel.”

“You think so highly of me,” Keith sighed, “he’s just a normal person.”

“But you are more than a _normal_ person.”

Keith snorted, bumping his leg against Shiro’s. “You are stupid.” He shook his head.

“What’s his name?”

“Isaiah.”

“That’s a human name.” Shiro assumed, very concerned.

“He’s half Galra like me. His mother is human, father Galra.”

“That’s very unlike considering he’s in your age.”

Keith nodded, “do you remember the first attempt to build a colony on Moon?”

Shiro nodded silently, watching Keith’s profile. During the war, they’ve never sat like this to talk about their home. All the years they provided support to each other and only talked about their fears and hopes. Shiro had left home with empty heart, leaving Adam behind, looking forward to Keith, but _having_ nothing.

“She was the famous case of disappearing without a trace.”

“ _Oh,_ I remember the case,” Shiro agreed furiously, “I studied it. I was always so fascinated by it.”

“Isaiah is her son.”

“ _Shit._ ”

“Can you imagine how surprised I was when I met him for the first time?” Keith smiled.

“How did it happen? The abduction?”

“The same as with you, I guess.”

The answers were easy-like to absorb but very hard to accept. Keith spoke about Isaiah with no pressure. Shiro felt robbed of this experience. He knew there was no way back to fix things between him and Keith. If Shiro would’ve called more often, would Keith tell him, or ignore it? A message would’ve been enough too, but Keith separated himself from the rest of the world like he was not part of it anymore.

“I wish I knew.” Shiro sipped the water.

“Rough times.”

“How did you meet?”

“He joined my squad when Acxa got injured during one of our missions. We had an emergency and needed back-up.”

“You chose him directly?”

“No, I just said give me someone who can shot and yell at Zethrid when she's reckless.”

Shiro chuckled, and this time it was him who bumped their legs together. Soon, after that, his smile faded away, and Shiro found the glass empty. Water was not enough to blow out the acid flame.

“He sounds like a nice guy.”

“I told you, didn’t I?” Keith smiled, pulling away from Shiro.

“Do you love him?” Shiro wrapped both of his hands around the glass, pressing his palms against it. His jaw flexed, eyes fixated on the door.

“I wouldn’t marry him if not.” Keith watched him for a short time before he placed his hand on Shiro’s. The touch sent lightning straight to Shiro’s spine. “What’s the matter?”

“I’m angry you didn’t tell me.”

Keith drew his hand away. When he wanted to stand up and leave Shiro’s personal space, Shiro let the glass fall on the wooden floor and snatched Keith by his wrist. He pulled him closer, forcing Keith to look into his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

No matter how hard Shiro tried to make Keith do things, he always gave up in the process. Keith frowned sending a warning signal right under Shiro’s skin. The man shivered under Keith’s stare, and his grip eased.

“Would you come?” Keith asked, “would you travel half of the galaxy to come to my wedding?”

“I would cross the whole galaxy!” Shiro snapped at him, “I would travel three galaxies just to see you happy on your wedding day!”

Keith gritted his teeth and looked away from Shiro. The unsaid words almost got a shape, and when Keith yanked his hand free with low _let me go_ , Shiro could only stare at him when he stood up.

“Keith I want to know why did you think I wouldn’t come? Why did you decide for me?”

“I didn’t decide anything for you.” Keith retorted.

“Then you should’ve let me know.”

“Well, I decided for myself, that I don’t want you to know,” Keith replied, annoyed and angry.

“Why? Just because you thought I wouldn’t come for you across the galaxy?”

It was like watching a palette of emotions. That face Shiro always admired was now deformed by anger. Last time Shiro saw such pure rage on Keith’s face, it was back in the Castle of lions.

“Keith, I would do anything—“

“Shut up, Shiro!” Keith stood up from the couch, “be _quiet_.”

Shiro watched him in a paralyzing shock. He couldn’t move or talk only watching Keith’s back as he went back to the kitchen to open the small fridge. He grabbed a bottle of beer and tore off the cap. Once again Shiro felt the strange twisting in his guts. Such beautiful lips should be sealed with promises of love and beauty, not swearing.

Keith was a _man,_ and Shiro couldn’t proceed it.

“You’ve never seen me as a man anyway!” Keith drank from the bottle.

That words went straight into Shiro’s panic center of his brain. As if Keith could read his mind. Shiro panicked. He stood up, stepping on the broken glass on the floor. His boot crunched the glass into small pieces.

“You talk like I’m some fucking princess from fairy tales.”

How stupid Shiro must’ve seemed to look right in that moment when the only thing he managed to do was staring like a dead fish at Keith who’s long fingers were wrapped around bottle like a grapevine. Shiro inhaled nervously when Keith placed the bottle on the kitchen counter and rubbed his face with his palm. The shiny ring on his finger stung Shiro right in the sensitive parts in his crotch.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Keith asked in astonishment.

The question snapped Shiro out of his fantasies. He found himself stuck, like an idiot, just staring with his mouth open.

“I’m sorry.” Shiro looked away.

“You are such coward!”

“What?!” it made Shiro look back.

“Why don’t you say what’s on your mind? Stop babying me!” Keith placed one of his arms on his side. He looked desperately when he ran his fingers through his hair. 

Shiro opened his mouth but closed it almost immediately. He stared and _stared and stared._

“I married Isaiah three months after the first time he joined my team,” Keith revealed the truth to Shiro like holy words and Shiro felt even more _fucking_ stupid because now he was staring with his mouth fully open.

“At first we only fucked, but I grew tired into that pattern. That fucking sad pattern where I always end up _alone!_ ”

It _hurt_ so bad that Shiro hissed. He bared his tightly clenched teeth. Nothing mattered anymore. He silently begged Keith to save him, while the man had no one to support him. Shiro never saved Keith. He would never die for Keith as Keith died for him. The man put his heart on his sleeve, chasing after Shiro who blindly followed only the line of his vision while Keith always got his back.

“I’ve never wanted you to feel alone.” Shiro finally managed to say. “You are very precious to me, Keith. _I—_ “

“You say such empty bullshit.” Keith turned around and leaned against the counter.

“What do you want from me, Keith?”

Keith didn’t reply, only shook his head tiredly.

“I came here to understand why did you avoided us for such a long time, and all I’m getting is that you’re actually angry with me. Was it me who messed up or you? It’s not on me, Keith, not this time. If you wanted to be with me, you should’ve come…!”

“Oh fuck you!” Keith turned sharply, throwing the bottle at Shiro, who managed to avoid the hit at the very last second.

Shocked to the bone, Shiro closed the distance between them with three long steps and grabbed Keith by his arm. He yanked him and pressed against the kitchen wall. “You do that again, Keith, try to _do that_ again, I dare you!”

Keith shook under his arms like a leaf in the storm. The violet eyes were slowly closing when a shaky breath hit Shiro’s face. He couldn’t see the tears in Keith’s eyes, God knew how Keith hated to cry, but he could hear them forming in Keith’s hot breath; could see them on his trembling lips. Shiro recovered from the wave of anger as soon as he spotted the scar on Keith’s cheek.

_How fucking cruel._

Without a word, Shiro cupped Keith’s cheeks and kissed his forehead. It was right then when Keith broke into a mess of tears and pleas for Shiro to stop.

“I am a man,” Keith begged, “can you see me like the man I am…”

“Of course you are.” Shiro assured him, “god, _Keith,_ I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t even know why you are apologizing.”

“I’m sorry for everything, and everyone, always. I’m _so sorry._ ”

Keith shook his head, covering Shiro’s hands with his, he squeezed Shiro’s palms and slowly put them down.

In just a second, when Keith opened his eyes to wipe them, without thinking Shiro took Keith’s face back between his palms and kissed him on the lips. Keith immediately pressed his mouth against Shiro’s, mixing his tears with their saliva. Shiro felt the salt on his tongue, and an unfamiliar tickling in his stomach when Keith put his hands on Shiro’s neck to prevent him from breaking away.

Keith was a man, and Shiro had his hands on him.

The first impulse, when Keith slid his hands down on Shiro’s chest, made Shiro pull closer, to wrap Keith in his arms so tightly that the man broke the kiss first.

“Keith…” a whisper with no end which Keith would remember for the rest of his life. The silent words have left him to wait another _billion_ years.

“How desperately you want me to feel?” Keith asked, biting his lip.

“I—“ nervously, Shiro pushed Keith’s hair back from his forehead. The man felt like a feather under Shiro’s fingers. When Keith tilt his head back following Shiro’s instructions obediently, Shiro couldn’t help himself anymore. He bent down, kissing Keith again and _again_ until Keith started to melt in his arms.

“Is this all I’ve got?” Keith asked quietly.

“I have no idea.” Shiro didn’t want to think at all.

“Then please, I have an idea.” Keith smiled sheepishly, taking Shiro by his hand. “Let me turn the idea into reality.”

“Keith, we _shouldn’t,_ ” Shiro whispered breathlessly, feeling like a criminal.

“I shouldn’t have to fight your clone thinking it’s you. I shouldn’t have almost sacrifice myself. All the things I shouldn’t have done, Shiro, are the right things.”

“This is something else.” Shiro disagreed, looking down at their boots. “I would never cheat, I would _never—“_

“I know only one thing, Shiro,” Keith cupped his face making Shiro look at him, “I would never cheat on _you_.”

Shiro stared into the violet eyes, hypnotized and too weak to resist the incoming kiss. Shiro resisted the urge to close his eyes and looked into Keith’s eyes as long as he could until Keith closed them.

“I can’t,” Shiro whispered against his lips.

“It’s alright.”

“ _Keith—“_

“It’s _alright._ ”

**

_I wanted you all the years, all the time. I always wanted you, Shiro. Always._

Shiro leaned against the railing on the porch. The night sky in the desert always took his breath away. There was a thing that one couldn’t see in the space after all. Shiro rubbed his bared shoulder. He forgot how cold the desert was in the night. When Shiro left the bed with Keith safely tugged in the blanket, he couldn’t help himself but watch the younger man. Shiro never felt so filled and warm. The soft feeling of Keith’s skin has left a nice tickling on Shiro’s fingertips. Keith’s back was truly a piece of art.

Shiro pulled away from the railing and put his hands into his jeans pockets.

“Can’t sleep?” Keith’s voice startled him for a moment.

“Keith…”

“I thought you left.” Keith murmured and wrapped his arms around Shiro’s waist and pressed his cheek against his shoulder.

“Would never.”

Keith smiled against Shiro and kissed the cold skin.

“You are so warm.” Shiro smiled when one of Keith’s hands traveled up to Shiro’s chest while the other one went south on the hips.

“I’ll make you warm.”

“I like you like this.” Shiro captured the hand on his chest and kissed Keith on his fingers.

“Like _this?”_ Keith asked curiously.

“ _Ah_ it’s—“ Shiro paused for a moment, “you are very intimate with me. I like you like that.”

“Shiro,” Keith moved his lips against Shiro’s neck, “tell me how do you feel right now.”

“Well, a little bit cold and tired?” Shiro laughed.

“I mean after we kissed.”

“I feel great.”

“No, I—“ Keith straightened himself, “how do you feel about me after we slept in the same bed? Do you feel awkward?”

“Why would I feel awkward?” Shiro looked at him.

“You know me since I was fifteen.”

“You think I looked at you like you’re a kid all the time?” Shiro raised both of his eyebrows, “Keith…”

“Have you not?” Keith leaned closer.

“No.”

Keith chuckled, but something on his face felt off. “You are such a bad liar, Shiro.”

_The worst of all liars_ thought Shiro.

How to tell Keith that when he saw him standing in the crowd of the bar, Shiro felt like his younger self again? He wanted to take Keith’s hand and run away with him; to show him the spaceship again, to promise him home and happiness he deserves. All of that slipped away from Shiro’s hand just because he couldn’t climb one last wall that separated him away from Keith.

He quit right before the finish. Such a _loser._ Fucking loser.

“Even after four years, you still know me the best.” Shiro smiled sadly.

“It’s not even my job to do.”

Before Shiro could say anything else, Keith gently placed his index finger on Shiro’s bare back and started to draw. It took him some time; he traced every line so Shiro would read as he wrote the word _Keiths._

_Keith’s._

“Keith, _I—“_ Shiro trembled.

“It’s alright.”

How many times did he hear this from Keith just in the past few hours? Shiro came here to make things work again, but it was Keith who assured him that nothing had changed. From this point, Shiro felt lost.

Shiro closed his eyes when Keith kissed him between shoulder blades. He was scared of the morning, of days that would follow after this one. Would it matter if he really took Keith by his hand and run away with him away from their husbands and friends?

“I know what happened,” Keith said, most likely rereading Shiro’s mind, “I know the consequences.”

Shiro bowed his head. All the kisses and touches they’ve exchanged have continued to burn on his skin. Like a thin foil, it replaced all the intimacy he shared with Curtis. The conflict in Shiro made his depression worse and his hands colder. When he stopped Keith from taking his clothes off, he felt like the worthless piece of garbage. He could’ve had Keith for one night, but his depression was laughing: _you’ll never have him. Never. Never-ever._

“I respect your choice,” Keith stepped back, “don’t think about it.”

“I don’t feel well, Keith.”

“I realized.”

Shiro took a deep breath and looked at the dark lines of mountains cutting the horizon in half. Shiro knew that no matter how far he would run, he’ll never stop missing the feeling Keith’s brought with himself today.

“You are somewhere else, and I’m stuck in here.”

Keith joined him by the railing. “I understand you wanted to live in peace.”

“It’s not like that, Keith.” Shiro rested his hip against the wooden fence of the porch, “it’s not like the life with you is impossible to be peaceful.”

They both paused. Keith turned around his back to Shiro. When he put his weight against the old wood, it screeched quietly. Shiro looked at his posture and smiled when Keith crossed his arms over his chest.

“You’re _incredible,_ Keith.” The confession sprawled around them like a sparkling powder, making Keith weak in his knees.

“What does it mean?” Keith muttered.

“I can’t keep up with you.”

“ _Shiro_ , I’m not some freak. I know when I have enough.”

“It’s not what I’m saying,” Shiro half-way turned to Keith, “this life I have? It’s what I would want to have with you.”

“That’s not a problem at all!” Keith frowned.

“Keith, I don’t want to stop you from reaching the top. You have so much to give to the universe. I won’t keep you away from that.”

When Keith twisted his head to look at Shiro in total disbelief, the other man was already smiling at the pastel sunrise over the cold desert.

“Why did you marry Curtis?” Keith asked suddenly, “you’re making no sense, Shiro.”

“Stability.” Shiro hurried the reply as if wanting the word to melt into Keith’s lines.

“And I’m not stable enough?” Keith shook his head. He wanted to feel offended and angry. He sought to look into Shiro’s face and read it like a book. The man was talking in ciphers, while Keith in its simplicity, was wearing his heart on a blank page. “If you don’t have a meaningful answer, then better don’t talk at all.” 

“I can’t explain how I feel, Keith.” Shiro replied gently, “but I know that I would slow you down. I would take years away from you.”

“Shiro, I’m married!” Keith remained him as if Shiro could ever forget. “I would’ve given you all of that, but you refused to talk to me. You built a wall in your head, separating us. I don’t understand it, I never will. It’s something you have in your head that is pushing me away.”

Shiro shuddered, trying to disagree, even just a little bit, to feel better, but the words were leading him nowhere. He got stuck again. The happiness he left behind years ago was now trying to catch up with him.

“I would’ve made you happy, and you know it goddamn well I would have. You refuse to be happy, just from a principle, because God knows how much you hate yourself in the past years.”

“Keith, it’s not…” Shiro whispered, his breath stuck between his lungs.

“It all started with Allura’s death.”

Shiro moved fast, faster than he wanted. His hand slipped in Keith’s hair, closing around the strands and pulling Keith closer. When their lips collided, at first Keith left the sensation entering his veins, but as soon as Shiro pressed his back against the wooden pillar that held the roof over the veranda, Keith pushed him back.

“Talk to me!” Keith shouted, “talk to me, Shiro! I can’t make it work without you!”

That morning, when Shiro opened his eyes to the sunrise, Keith eclipsed the sun, and Shiro finally could see the darkness he, too scared, has left behind. It couldn’t be the reason, and Shiro refused for too long to look at Keith just to jump right into the abyss.

“Tell me.”

Defiantly, Shiro shook his head, looking straight into Keith’s eyes. The ball of feelings started to choke him in between forcing himself to keep quiet and chase Keith away for the whole eternity and not less.

“Why it’s not _me,_ Shiro?” Keith insisted desperately, “don’t you trust me? I can make you happy, so _happy._ ”

Like a broken record, Shiro never stopped shaking his head. He would reach for Keith, touch him and beg him, but at the same time, he knew he’d fall so deep that all the control he collected over the years would disappear right in front of his eyes. Shiro blamed and _blamed,_ and the two loving eyes of Keith refused to accept defeat.

“Say something,” Keith begged. “Is it _me?”_ he pointed at himself, “is this about what happened in the realm of shadows?”

Shiro felt his body trembling, falling and vanishing right in front of Keith’s heart. The truth rooted out a big thorn.

“I would do anything for the team,” Keith looked away, “for you.”

“I know you will,” Shiro found his voice finally.

“But you don’t want to.”

At that moment Shiro felt incredibly empty. He watched the process of breaking Keith like it was just an experiment. While he yelled and begged to stop, the echo was laughing at him.

“Are you scared of me, Shiro?”

_Ouch._

“You are.” Keith’s eyes grew in surprise, “you are scared of me.”

Shiro panicked. His face went from absolute zero to billion degree. He smiled and frowned at the same time. The panic turned into anxiety, and when a jerky breath left Keith’s lungs, Shiro almost lost consciousness.

All the realities should have been erased.

“Why are you like this?” Keith covered his mouth, but he couldn’t hide the tears in his eyes.

“I respect you so much, Keith. I respect you. _I respect you, respect._ ” Shiro mumbled, too weak to fight the waves of sadness that were washing his face over and over again.

_I want you to know why I am like this._ Shiro couldn’t move his hand. He didn’t even hear his phone ringing from the small living room of the house. Only later he would see, that it was Curtis who was trying to reach him, but Shiro was too blown away to understand the meaning of small things.

Keith stood right in front of Shiro, the tears almost dried.

“No matter what do you feel right now,” Keith ran his fingertips over Shiro’s neck, “there’s no reason to be scared of me.”

“I never wanted _to—“_ Shiro felt sick, he couldn’t even speak properly. His voice was rough and shaky.

“I know what you think, Shiro.”

“Keith, please _I—“_

“Right after Allura was gone, you stopped talking to me. She was gone, painless and free and right at that moment; you started to hate what I _did._ You thought you could be gone by now, free like her.”

Shiro pushed away. He ran into the house, stumbling over things, almost falling on his face, but managed to find his shirt and shoes scattered on the floor.

“I know you remember how I tried to save you on the cloning facility.” Keith followed him inside the house. “I failed, Shiro. I didn’t save you. If it weren’t you, I would’ve been dead.”

“No!” Shiro yelled. “You wouldn’t!” he stretched and pulled the shirt nervously.

“Shiro, please talk to me. Let me heal the _pain—“_

“I never wanted to hurt you! _Never._ ” Shiro collapsed on the bed; palms tightly pressed to his temples. “I am scared of what you’re capable. I am scared that I’ll be the cause of your death one day, and I would – I can’t – I _will never_ be alright.”

Shiro felt the bed creaking under another weight. He could relax a little bit more, when he knew Keith was on his side, not fighting him anymore.“I want to be worthy of your scar.”

“I love you, Shiro.”

_Ah._

Keith wrapped both of his arms around Shiro’s biceps and kissed his shoulder. The silence, like a phantom, slid into Shiro’s nerves. He put his hands down in defeat and looked at the wooden floor.

“Say that again,” he whispered almost inaudibly.

“I love you.”

“ _Please—“_

“I love you.”

“Can you, _please—“_

“ _…love you.”_

Shiro felt the pieces of his unraveled mind to click back, slowly creating a whole picture. Everyone always talked about healing, time and pills Shiro swallowed daily the same as he swallowed another portion of forced breathing. Love had always been masked and curled beside him like a mean cat, never wanted to touch him directly. If Keith was this cat, it was just because he felt insecure and abandoned, and Shiro made Keith felt that way.

_You stopped talking to me._

And Shiro _really_ did forget. Years ago. Hundred and maybe a millennium back. He felt old, like the universe itself. Too old to remember the horrifying moment when he turned his back to Keith.

“Let me help _you,_ ” Keith begged in whispers.

“You already _did_.” The relief that flooded over Shiro’s body had a sweet flavor and warm feeling on his limbs.

Keith kissed his neck, the beautiful spot behind Shiro’s ear, and ended up whispering into his hair: “let me take you with _me_.” 

“I wish we _could—“_ Shiro never finished, and Keith never asked again.

_I know._

Keith came back to Shiro life with the force of a headshot. He stopped by, caused deep brain damage and left again. Shiro died that night and was born back in the morning. And if Keith would’ve asked Shiro again to come with him, Shiro would go. He just wanted Keith to ask _again,_ but the ask didn’t come out, and Shiro was left alone, with the healing wound in his head.

_Keith, you saved me._

Again.

**

“You can’t be serious,” Lance sighed in disbelief, “are you leaving again?”

“I have an organization to lead.” Keith tossed his bag at the back of his spaceship. He felt the annoyed look at Lance's face, and he didn’t even have to look back.

“Alright, but next time, you’re bringing your man with you!” Hunk put a tall stack of plastic boxes with food in Keith’s hands.

“I can’t promise that.” Keith smiled and put the boxes next to his bag.

“Come on, Keith,” Pidge _tsked_ at him, and Keith poked her cheek. “He looks too good to be real. I bet you’re just making this up.”

“Of course I’m.” Keith laughed.

“Come on guys,” Shiro pushed his body between Lance and Pidge who were trying to torture Keith with pinches and pokes. “Let me say goodbye. I have a class to teach.”

“You could’ve taken a day off,” Keith teased him, but when Shiro’s expression remained stoic, Keith only shrugged and opened his arms to Shiro.

“Take good care of yourself.” Keith wrapped his arms around the older’s man waist and pulled him flat against his body.

“I promise.” Shiro whispered, still holding onto Keith, “ _I promise._ ”

When Keith lowered his arms, Shiro finally moved and stepped back. He could’ve been right here, next to Keith, _oh he knew_ , but at the same time Shiro knew it was already too late.

“Well,” Keith smiled at his friends, “seems like I am pretty good at saying goodbyes.” He laughed.

“Oh, _Keith._ ” Hunk shook his head, “my man.”

“Group hug!” shouted Lance with his hands in pocket, “I am coming, prepare yourself for the invasion into your personal space.”

“Oh god, I am too old for that!” Keith tried to escape, but Hunk was already on his side.

“Only one,” Keith warned.

“Only one,” Shiro smiled.

_Only one._ Always just one.

Only one shot, only one chance. Repeatedly, like a freak caught in a loop. For Shiro, it was always _one, first, the only._

**Author's Note:**

> I still don't know what to say. If you do, leave me a comment or send a letter bomb.


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